Sting
by DeadToBeginWith
Summary: A drunken night's accidental revelation leads the twins down a road that they've both spent too long trying to avoid. Tegan and Sara. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is my first attempt at a Quincest story, it started out as a drabble but I decided to extend it into a multi-chapter fic, so there'll be a few parts to it, but they will all be quite short in length most likely. Feel free to leave a review, let me know what you think, or if you like you can find me at .com.**

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"Sara, I hate you!"

The words had come as a painful stab to Sara's gut, stinging more than the sharp slap to the cheek that they had been delivered with. That pain had left hours ago, the angry red mark that had accompanied it having long since faded, but as she lay alone in the darkness of her hotel room, Sara doubted that the wound opened by her twin's resentful words would ever heal.

Sara knew that Tegan's anger was completely justified. She had crossed every boundary that had once existed between them, spurred on by copious amounts of alcohol that she had downed in the hopes of gaining a bit of courage to finally face up to her own feelings. But, as drink after drink was knocked back, her carefully formulated plan had started to unravel. Her intended course of action, simply talking to her twin, was forgotten at the bottom of a bottle in a run-down bar in an unfamiliar city. And not for the better.

They had been drunkenly staggering back to the hotel when it happened. As intoxicated as Sara was, Tegan was more so. She was barely able to stand up straight, leaning heavily on her sister for support, and the euphoria of being so completely and wonderfully drunk was radiating from her. Tegan had always been a happy drunk, and maybe it was this, the beautiful, unrestrained sight of her with her head thrown back in laughter, all her inhibitions gone as she sang on the middle of the street, messing up lyrics and slurring her words, that pushed Sara over the edge.

She lost control.

Before Sara could even register what she was doing, before her brain could catch up to her body's impulsive actions, all of the self restraint she had fought for so long to hold onto was gone, and her feelings were rising to the surface, spilling over in an uncontrollable wave that was too much for her inebriated mind to handle. She only realised what she was doing when it was too late.

Tegan recovered from the shock first; Sara barely had the time for the fact that she was kissing her sister to sink in before the soft lips she had felt against her own were gone and instead she was reeling backwards from the force of the blow Tegan's palm dealt against her face. The effects of the alcohol were practically non-existent now, both twins had sobered the instant their lips had touched. Sara's eyes stung with unshed tears; she but her lip to keep them from spilling as Tegan glared at her with a mix of shock, anger, and betrayal. They both knew it; Sara had just broken them.

Lying alone on the floor of the hotel room hours later, Sara was yet to cry. She couldn't, not after what she had done to Tegan. It was wrong, it was sick, hell, it was even illegal. Whatever consequences came of her actions, they would be Sara's fault. This was her mess, her twisted mind, and all she had achieved tonight was to put her deepest, darkest secret on show for her sister to see. She was the one who was responsible for her twin not even being able to look her in the eye anymore. Sara had no right to cry.

Pure exhaustion began to seep into her bones, and as sleep gripped her all Sara could think of was Tegan's parting words.

"Sara, I hate you!"

_I know Tegan, I hate me too._


	2. Chapter 2

Tegan had been staring at her hand for a long time, long enough that the pre-dawn lightening of the sky was starting to filter into her hotel room through the gaps around the heavy curtains. This hand, her left hand, looked no different to its right counterpart. The skin was the same pale shade, stretched taut across the bones of her thin fingers, laced with blue veins that criss-crossed under the surface. The muscles moved in the same way as she flexed them, a perfect mirror image. But this hand had done something that the other hadn't. With this hand, Tegan had destroyed someone.

Still staring at her hand, Tegan's mind was lost to hours ago, replaying the nights events over and over on a tormenting loop. She had seen the look in Sara's eyes after the blow had been dealt. They had fought all the time as teens, and Sara received far, far worse beatings from her twin, but never had Tegan seen her so emotionally floored. There had been so much hurt, so much regret in Sara's eyes, but Tegan has also seen her own shock reflected in her twin's eyes, telling her it had been an accident. In her own case, however, Tegan's shock had given way to anger. She was so very angry.

Tegan was angry for more reasons than she could condense into a rational thought in that heated moment. She was angry with her sister, yes; that Sara had crossed the line and violated their relationship, but she was angry with herself too for the feelings Sara's actions had released in her. Feelings Tegan had spent so long suppressing, telling herself they were wrong, and that she was wrong for wanting her sister in a way that no sibling ever should. She had never been good at hiding her feelings, but in this instance she had made every effort to never let these thoughts out of her head. If they were never spoken, they were never real. Or so she had hoped.

Tegan still hadn't moved, she was still staring at her hand, the nerves tingling in faint recollection of the night's exertions. She had told Sara she hated her; that was so untrue. She could never hate her twin. It went against every cell in her body. Tegan had seen the look in Sara's eyes before the kiss, the awe, the wonder, the love that her sister felt. She knew that Sara never meant for her actions to be harmful, she never meant to hurt Tegan. Tegan knew that Sara's actions hadn't even been intentional, but still she had pushed her away. She had hurt her twin beyond repair.

There was however one minuscule part of Tegan's brain that was celebrating the fact that, after all these years, she finally knew that Sara returned her feelings. Sara loved her, and the few moments that she had let her control slip was all that Tegan needed to be certain. She wasn't alone in this twisted sickness, Sara was right there with her. But that didn't make it any more acceptable, any better. They were wrong, and as much as they may will for it, two wrongs could never make a right. Could they?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: And so here we have the next installament. I must admit, I'm not as happy with this part as I'd like to be, but it's a bit of a bridge between the last chapter and the next, so hopefully the next part will be better.**

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The show the next night nearly killed Tegan. With every song of hers, she was forced to relive the pain of her seemingly unrequited love, each one bringing back another memory filled with loneliness and longing for the one person she could never have. For years people had tried to work out the meaning behind the lyrics she penned, but no one ever unveiled the truth within her words. Tegan's love for her sister was her most closely guarded secret, and she had fought to keep it under lock and key. Now though, with revelation of Sara's own feelings, Tegan could feel her will to ignore it slipping away through her fingertips like sand.

Along with the pain of her own songs came the pain of hearing Sara's. Suddenly, every line, every word that she had once been unable to decipher was as clear as day. Tegan's twin had literally been professing her feelings for years and Tegan hadn't even noticed. The sadness in Sara's voice as she sang the words so obviously meant for her made Tegan feel so very guilty. Every song cut her deeper than the last until she was fighting the urge to put down her guitar and leave the stage. Her twin had been suffering alone, and she had been too caught up in her own sadness to notice.

The twins hadn't spoken since Tegan had angrily professed that she hated Sara, a statement she entirely regretted, and their concert suffered as a result. Their usual banter was practically non-existent, and the audience was picking up on the strange tension between the sisters. Tegan had never been happier to end a show in her life. She made a beeline for their dressing room almost the instant she left the stage, ignoring the concerned looks from the band. Tegan didn't care; she needed to be alone.

Tegan's recent bad luck wouldn't allow her even that simple request, and so she opened the dressing room door to reveal her sister already there, sitting in the middle of the floor, eyes red from the tears Tegan could see shining on her cheeks. It made her heart ache to see her sister so torn up, but she refused to give in to the urge to sit on the floor with Sara and hold her until they both found some peace in their messed up situation. She turned to leave, but was held back by one compulsion that she couldn't ignore; Tegan needed to know if Sara had been suffering this twisted sickness for as long as she had.

"How long?" she whispered, the mere fact that she had spoken at all surprising her twin. Sara clearly hadn't been expecting her to.

Sara sighed, and Tegan watched as her shoulders slumped, as tired as she was herself from the weight of the burden that life had thrust upon them. Tegan understood her twin's resignation; it was the mindset of someone who, like she herself had, had tried to run from their feelings only to be dragged back, kicking and screaming, desperate to escape what nature had made them.

Sara cleared her throat a little, apparently thinking over Tegan's question. She would not meet her twins eyes as she uttered one word that Tegan had been both hoping for, and dreading.

"Always."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So this chapter didn't take very long. It sort of seemed to just write itself, so I hope you like it, and thank you to my reviewers so far, you've all been really sweet and I love you all.**

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After the brief exchange in the dressing room, Tegan had disappeared. The tour bus was due to leave at four in the morning, so Sara knew that Tegan would be back by then, and they would be forced into close proximity for the long hours it would take for them to reach their next destination. Sara wasn't exactly sure how she felt about this; on one hand she relished every minute of interaction with her twin, and on the other she wasn't sure if her emotions were stable enough to cope with the unbelievable tension between them.

Sara doubted they would ever recover from what she had done. She had spent the past twenty-four hours replaying it over and over in her head, trying to see what had made her lose control, hating herself a little more each time. What kind of sick person kisses their own sister? It should never have happened. It was wrong. She was wrong.

And then there had been the incident in the dressing room. Tegan's question had been so out of the blue, so unexpected, that all Sara could do was tell her the truth. She had always felt this way; she couldn't remember a time that she didn't love Tegan. Her own twin was the reason that, aged fifteen, she had looked at herself in the mirror and openly admitted that she was gay. Tegan was the reason she wrote songs; she had needed an outlet, some acceptable way of expressing her feelings, and music became that. All her songs were someway related to her sister.

It was approaching three am, but Sara couldn't sleep. Tegan still hadn't returned, and although she knew that her twin was probably at a bar somewhere, drinking and chatting up girls, Sara still worried. She had always been the worrier in the family. The bus was eerily quiet without Tegan. They had decided at the start of this tour that they would have a separate bus from the rest of the band, and Sara missed the boys. The silence was unnerving.

It was half past three when Sara finally heard her sister drunkenly stumbling through the door of the bus. She breathed a quiet sigh of relief, ready to roll over and attempt to catch a couple of hours of sleep, when she heard the sound of Tegan's heavy breathing coming closer, past her own bunk, towards Sara's. The curtain separating her bunk from the rest of the bus was drawn back slowly, and Sara was met with the sight of a dark shadow, only Tegan's outline visible in the dark.

"Tegan, I -" she started, but was cut off by the feeling of Tegan resting her fingers against her lips.

"Ssh," she said softly, moving her hand so that she was now stroking Sara's cheek. Sara was shocked; Tegan's touch was so light and gentle, a stark contrast to the harsh words of the night before. She could smell alcohol on Tegan's breath.

"Sara," Tegan whispered, fingers still resting on Sara's cheek. "I don't hate you. I -" she stopped abruptly, sighing as she removed her hand from her sister's face and stepped back away from the bunk. "I can't do this," she said softly, turning away to her own bunk and leaving Sara feeling so very confused.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Another chapter for you my dear readers. So far I've been relatively successful in keeping the updates regular, lets hope that lasts. Once again, a big thank you to those of you who have reviewed, you're the best, and you can find me on Tumblr at justifytheirlove.**

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Tegan didn't even know what had come over her. The alcohol in her system could only be blamed for so much of the rash plan she had formed while staring into the depths of her drink in some bar she didn't know the name of that she had chosen to be the venue for her attempt to drown her problems. It was funny really; alcohol had gotten them into this mess, and Tegan was trying to find a way out of it using yet more alcohol. She had been about to kiss Sara, that she couldn't deny, and was thankful that she had caught herself in time, if only just.

Tegan was surprised that it was the next afternoon before the subject came up again. Sara had stayed in her bunk all morning, and Tegan knew her twin was avoiding her. This time, Sara wasn't to blame. Tegan was the one who had let her emotions get the better of her, she was the one at fault. She should have been sorry, but she couldn't bring herself to regret the simple slip up her alcohol-addled mind had allowed her. Though it had been dark on the bus, the little light there was had allowed Tegan to see the change in her sister's expression when she had confessed that she didn't hate Sara, and that look of relief was worth the tension between them today. Knowing she had eased just a little of Sara's pain made it worth it.

When the bus arrived at the hotel they would be spending the night in, there was no avoiding each other anymore. Once they arrived at the room they were sharing, Tegan put her bag down and looked at Sara. She knew the look in her sister's eyes; it was a look of determination. Sara wanted to talk about this.

"You feel the same," Sara said softly. Her tone wasn't accusatory or hostile, she was simply stating a fact. Tegan didn't answer, hanging her head and lowering her gaze to stare intently at the carpet by Sara's feet.

"Tegan," Sara persisted, stepping closer to the bed Tegan was sitting on. "Tegan please, talk to me."

"Sara," Tegan's tone mirrored the gentleness of her twin's. "We can't do this."

Sara sighed, crossing the rest of the distance between them and cupping Tegan's cheek in her hand, just as Tegan had done the night before, bringing her eyes up. Tegan's breath caught in her throat when her eyes met Sara's. All of the emotional shields her twin had spent years building up were gone, and Tegan could see the pure, unguarded feelings in her eyes. Sara loved her, just as much as she loved Sara.

"Tegan, please," Sara whispered, her face just inches from Tegan's now. Her twin was opening herself up to be read like an open book, and it just made what Tegan was about to do all the more painful. Sara let her hand drop as Tegan stood, and she immediately missed the warmth of her twin's touch.

"Sara," she breathed again. "We can't do this. _I_ can't do this." At this Sara's eyes closed, and Tegan watched as her sister once again retreated back into her shell. "Sara I'm so sorry."

Tegan turned to leave, hating herself from walking away from her sister again. Her hand was resting on the door handle when Sara, still standing dejectedly in the space Tegan had just left, spoke again.

"Promise me you won't let the same thing keep happening," Sara pleaded, her voice still barely more than a whisper. Tegan understood; Sara just couldn't take another round of drunken regrets.

"I promise," she answered, walking out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry this one took so long, I was having some Internet issues, and then I realised I in fact hated my first attempt at this chapter and did some serious editing. Anyway, here's a longer chapter than usual to hopefully make up for the delay **

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Tegan didn't return again until that evening. Sara was sitting back on her bed, absent-mindedly strumming her guitar when the door opened and her twin walked in, eyes on the floor. There was an awkward pause as Tegan looked up and saw Sara watching her. Without saying a word, she opened the backpack slung over her shoulder, took out a small box and silently handed it to her sister. Sara looked at the box of goldfish crackers and smiled wide; this was Tegan's way of trying to ease a bit of the tension between them. Tegan attempted a smile, but it was a faint shadow of her usual gummy grin that Sara loved so much.

Sara scooted over on the bed to make room, patting the space beside her. Tegan was hesitant, nervously chewing on her labret piercing. She looked as though she was about to turn away, but Sara looked at her pleadingly and she gave in, settling down on the bed beside her sister. Sara smiled softly at her; they were close enough that she could see every detail of Tegan's face, from her strong jawline to her adorable bent ear to her beautiful hazel eyes. They had the same eyes, but to Sara, Tegan's always seemed to have that little bit more sparkle, be that little bit more captivating. Sara was certain that she could get lost in Tegan's eyes and forget the rest of the world entirely. Sitting here now, she planned to do exactly that. Sara was tired of fighting it,

Still smiling, Sara lay down, facing Tegan. Gently, she ran her fingertips down Tegan's arm until she reached her hand, linking their fingers together. She heard Tegan swallow hard before her twin finally spoke, looking down from where she remained in a sitting position against the headboard.

"Sara, we can't," she whispered.

Sara had expected this. "Why Tegan? Tell me why."

Tegan sighed. "Sara this is wrong, it's sick. Think of what people would say, what they'd think. We can't."

"No one has to know," Sara returned. "All that matters is you and me." She began lightly tracing circles on Tegan's hand with her fingertips. Tegan shook her head, biting her lip.

"Do you really think it's that simple?"

Sara sighed, she hadn't expected this to be easy. Tugging on Tegan's wrist, she gently urged her sister to lie down beside her. "Tegan," she whispered. "I love you."

She heard Tegan's breathing hitch, and watched as her twin blinked back the tears that Sara knew were threatening to escape. "And I think," she continued, "I think you love me too. Do you, Tegan? Do you love me?"

Sara watched Tegan's face closely as her sister broke down. Tegan took a deep breath, eyes closed, before opening them and looking straight at Sara. "Yes Sara I do. I love you," she answered, her tone desperate and pleading.

It was Sara's turn to take a deep breath, mostly to calm the part of her brain that started dancing at Tegan's words. She had already know of course, that much she had even said to her sister, but to hear Tegan openly admit that she returned Sara's feelings was a different matter altogether.

Exhaling slowly, Sara's eyes glanced down to their still clasped hands, before flicking back up to Tegan's eyes. "In that case," Sara began. "Will you kiss me?"

Sara was sure Tegan's breath had never been so shaky when she leaned in closer, stopping just centimetres before her lips touched Tegan's. She couldn't be the one to do this, not now, it had to be Tegan. Sara could feel her sister's sweet breath against her cheek, and it occurred to her that this would be the first intimate moment they had both been entirely sober for. But just then, all further thought was stopped as Tegan leaned forward and let their lips finally meet.

The first few moments of sweet awkwardness that came when kissing someone properly for the first time were gone quickly, and Sara's hand moved from Tegan's wrist to the back of her neck, pulling her closer as their mouths moved together. Kissing Tegan was everything that she ever dreamed it would be. The warm pressure of her sister's lips against her own was gentle and sweet, but as Tegan slipped her tongue into her mouth, Sara got the feeling of being kissed thoroughly, as though Tegan wanted to learn every inch of her mouth.

As the kiss deepened Sara felt herself getting lost. There was no going back for her now, she was drowning in Tegan's embrace and she knew that if Tegan decided later that she wasn't prepared for this it would probably kill her. Sara would never be able to return to being just sisters, never be able to forget the feel of Tegan's lips. She wanted her twin so badly that it hurt; she needed Tegan to be hers.

Slowly, reluctantly, Tegan gentled the kiss, slowing until they pulled apart, opening their eyes that had closed as soon as their lips had touched. Both twins were breathing erratically, and Sara held the material of Tegan's shirt tightly, desperate for her not to run away again.

"Sara," Tegan whispered, a range of emotions flashing through her eyes, before she buried her face in Sara's shirt and broke down into uncontrollable tears.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey guys, this is a shorter chapter than the last, sorry about that, but there's some important conversations and that. Reviews are always great, so if you like it, let me know, and if you don't, tell me why**

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Tegan didn't know how long it took before she stopped crying. It was dark by the time the sobs that had wracked her body ceased, and left her feeling washed out and tired. She was still lying on her sister's bed, her head pillowed on Sara's stomach, one hand tracing circles on her hip with her fingertips. Sara hadn't said a word, just held her as she let out all of her emotions until there were no tears left.

"Why did you kiss me?" Tegan asked suddenly, her voice hoarse. Neither twin looked up, but Sara's hand that had been stroking Tegan's back stilled at the question.

"I don't know," Sara admitted quietly. "I just saw you there, and you were smiling and laughing and you looked so beautiful, and I just lost control."

Tegan was surprised by Sara's honesty. "I was so angry," she told her.

"You had every right to be, I was out of line," Sara responded, her voice now taking on a sad tone, and Tegan immediately felt a pang of guilt. She had hurt Sara more than her twin was letting on.

"I should never have hit you," Tegan argued. "I was the one who was out of line." Sara didn't respond, and they fell silent again.

"Sara?" Tegan whispered after a while.

"Yeah?" Sara answered, her arms reflexively tightening around Tegan.

"Do you ever wonder why? Why us? Why this?"

"I used to," Sara answered, "a lot. But then I slowly started accepting that this is just how it is."

"I wish it wasn't," Tegan sighed. "When we were kids I used to spend so much time pretending I hated you, wishing that it'd come true. I was so scared to love you," she said, finally looking up at Sara.

"I was scared too," Sara said softly, stroking Tegan's cheek. "Hell, I'm still scared now. Terrified in fact. But then one day I read something that said that when star-crossed lovers die, they're born again as twins, because their souls were meant to be together."

Tegan took a moment to take that in. "Is that what we are?" She asked, the corner of her lips twitching upwards. "Star-crossed lovers?"

Sara laughed softly. "I guess so." Her expression turned serious once again, and she bit her lip. "But Tegan, are we lovers? We haven't talked about this, and you said..." She trailed off, and Tegan could hear the anxiety in her voice. Sara couldn't cope with being pushed away again. They had both shouldered the burden of their twisted fate alone for so long, and Tegan knew that the last thing on earth that her sister wanted was to have to go back to that. Reaching for Sara's hand, Tegan laced her fingers through her twin's, their identical hands fitting together perfectly. They fit, like two halves of the whole they had once been.

"Sara," Tegan began. "This shouldn't be right. It's weird, it's twisted, it's illegal. There should be no reason on earth why we should even consider doing this. But I can't help it, I can't make myself feel like this is wrong. I need you. I don't want to need you, but I do, and as wrong as it is, I can't ignore that." Sara was crying now, and her free hand moved to grip the collar of Tegan's plaid shirt, pulling her closer until their foreheads were resting against each other. "I love you," she whispered, her desperate tone showing Tegan that she felt exactly the same about their situation.

"I love you too," Tegan whispered back, and the twins stayed in each others arms until sleep finally found them.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: New chapter time! Just to point out, I've not actually got any idea of how many chapters this is going to be, but it may end up being quite long. Anyway, once again, reviews are love, let me know what you think!**

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Tegan, Sara had decided, had what was probably the most irritating ringtone in the world. It wasn't so much the obnoxiously loud drums of whatever heavy rock song she'd chosen for the sole purpose of being clearly audible that made it annoying, more the fact that the incoming call shattered the early-morning peace of their hotel room, waking them both and leaving them blinking sleepily in the sunlight that filtered in through the curtains they had forgotten to close.

As Tegan retracted her arms from around her twin to answer the phone, Sara just groaned and burrowed deeper into her pillow. She was giving serious thought to shedding the jeans she had accidentally slept in and going back to sleep when she was yet again disturbed by a dull thud and Tegan cursing. Leaning over the edge of the bed, Sara saw Tegan sprawled on the floor where she'd clearly fallen after over stretching to reach the still-ringing cellphone. Grumbling incoherently as Sara giggled at her, Tegan pressed the answer button.

"Hello?" Sara couldn't hear the other person on the line, but from the way all the colour drained from Tegan's face as her greeting was returned, Sara could hazard a guess.

"Oh hey Lindsey," Tegan said, attempting to sound normal while shooting a wide-eyed, terrified look at Sara. Sara just shrugged helplessly as Lindsey chatted to Tegan, oblivious to the situation the twins had now found themselves in.

Sara couldn't believe she hadn't expected this. Tegan had a girlfriend, a perfectly lovely girl who she had chased for four years. Four years Tegan had been trying for a relationship with LB, and now that it had finally happened, Sara had essentially caused her sister to cheat. Sara was the other woman; she would be the relationship wrecker. That was assuming Tegan even had any plans to end hers and LB's relationship.

Sara was starting to panic now, paying less and less attention to her surroundings. She didn't even notice Tegan ending her conversation and forcefully throwing down her phone. It was getting harder to breathe; her breaths were short and sharp, and not quite filling her lungs the way she needed them too. Tegan, who had witnessed this happen to her sister on many occasions, was there instantly at her side, and Sara felt the cool plastic of her puffer being pushed between her lips. Tegan stayed beside her, one hand holding hers around the puffer, the other stroking Sara's back as her breathing regulated and she calmed down somewhat.

Once she could breathe on her own again, Sara sat back against the pillows and looked up at Tegan. Her hair was sticking up every which way, and her eyes showed the signs of too little sleep, and the expression she wore on her tired features mirrored Sara's own anxiety.

"What did LB say?" Sara asked.

"She's coming to the show tonight," Tegan sighed. "Sara, what are we going to do?" In Tegan's eyes Sara saw despair, worry, and a childlike fear that made her sound like a scared teenager, unsure of the mess she had gotten herself into. Sara wished she could find some words of comfort, think of a plan that would make it all okay, but she couldn't. She took to gently stroking Tegan's hair out of her eyes as they pleaded with her to find a way to make it all better.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I don't know what to do. I just don't know."

Tegan was quiet for a moment, and Sara thought she seemed on the verge of tears, but then she swallowed hard and looked back up at Sara.

"I was never in love with her, you know," she said. "I chased after her for four years, and I do love her, but I'm not in love with her. She was a distraction, a distraction from you. And then, somehow, the straight girl I never had a chance with suddenly wasn't so straight." Tegan gave a short laugh, but there was no humour in the sound. "I should have known karma would hit me. And there I was, with her finally willing to give us a try, and I couldn't back out. So I tried, I tried to have a normal relationship, and it worked, sort of. I mean, we're best friends and I love her and its great, but she wasn't you. No one could ever be you, Sara." Tegan looked almost as surprised as Sara was at her sudden outburst of emotions. Sara moved her other hand up to Tegan's jaw, cupping her face and looking her in the eyes, seeing the unshed tears there.

"Sshh, it's okay Tegan, it'll be okay. We'll find a way," Sara tried so hard to reassure her, not really believing her own words. "We have to find a way."

"I want to be with you Sara," Tegan began, "I just... I don't know how."

Sara froze, immediately fearing the worst. "Tegan please don't leave now, I need you," she pleaded.

"What? No, god no, I'm not going to leave you," Tegan promised, pulling her up into a tight hug.

"Really? You're not going to get scared and stop this again?" Sara didn't want to be asking these questions but she was desperate to know that Tegan was hers. Tegan pulled back to look her in the eyes.

"I'm in too deep now. We both are," she stated, before leaning forward and capturing Sara's lips with hers. Sara let her self relax as she kissed back, focusing only on the feeling of Tegan's mouth. Closing her eyes, Sara let the rest of the world outside of this room slip out of her mind. This was where she belonged, with Tegan.

They would find a way.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: New chapter time! I warn you, this one isn't too cheerful. Or all that exciting really. I promise though, soon there will be drama! As usual, drop me a line and let me know what you like, and what you don't like so I can fix it **

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Normalcy was a forgotten concept to Tegan now. She didn't remember how she should act, or what she should say. Any ideas of social convention she once held seemed to have mysteriously disappeared. How was she supposed to react when the long-term girlfriend she had never loved ran into her arms upon her arrival? What was she supposed to do when she found herself caught up in Lindsey's kiss of greeting? What was she supposed to say when the question of "how have you been?" was asked? Tegan didn't know. She feared that her guilt would be written across her face, that somehow LB would take a look at her and know all the intimate details of her past few days.

She didn't of course, how could she? Tegan was relieved, but also upset that, even though her world had been turned upside down the person in her life that was supposed to know her the best couldn't see that everything had changed. There was no physical evidence to be seen, and to Tegan that seemed wrong. She desperately wanted to tell someone, everyone; to run and shout it from the rooftops that Sara was finally hers, but she knew that the consequences would be so dire that they wouldn't be worth it. One small slip up could destroy them.

And so Tegan continued on with her oblivious girlfriend by her side. The nights show went well, old songs and new songs alike were played without incident, and the banter flowed easily between them. The energy was infectious, and the crowd were loving the interactions and funny anecdotes that punctuated the concert. Tegan relaxed, letting herself enjoy the return of the twinkle in Sara's eye that she only now noticed had been missing recently. Everything about Sara was so beautiful to her; the way her lips curled around the microphone, her blush when the crowd's shouts of "Sara we love you!" reached her ears, the movement of her fingers as they danced across the frets of her guitar. Tegan admired all of this, and when she accidentally caught the eye of her girlfriend eagerly photographing them from the barriers, she had never felt more guilty.

Sleeping arrangements had somehow slipped Tegan's mind. Now that Lindsey was here, what reason was there for her to share with Sara? The thought of spending a night apart from her twin, keeping up the charade of a relationship she never should have been in, was not going to be easy, but Tegan did it anyway. She put on a smile as she bid goodnight to Sara outside Lindsey's door, not even having had a few moments alone for a proper farewell.

Tegan was expecting Lindsey to be... Enthusiastic about their alone time, and was not surprised to find herself being backed up to lay on the bed. Before she knew it, LB had her tongue in her mouth and her hands were toying with the buttons of Tegan's shirt. Tegan tried to relax, tried to tell herself that Lindsey would notice if she was less than eager for the night to progress the way it was headed, but all she could think about was Sara. Lindsey's kisses along her collarbone didn't feel like the feather-light brushes of Sara's lips, and when their hands were clasped together her fingers didn't fit the spaces between Tegan's as perfectly as Sara's did, the way that only twin's hands could. The kiss began to get more and more heated, and LB's hands were starting to wander lower, and Tegan couldn't take it anymore.

Slowly, she gentled the kiss and broke away, sitting up properly to look at the now slightly surprised woman in her lap.

"Lindsey," she said softly. "It's been a long day. Do you mind if we just sleep?"

Lindsey's brow furrowed as she looked at Tegan. "Is everything okay?" She asked, and the gentle concerned tone made Tegan feel even worse. She should tell her, admit at least part of the truth, that her heart wasn't in this relationship, that it belonged to someone else, but before she could find the words to explain instinct kicked in, and she heard her own voice in her ears.

"Yeah, everything's fine, just tired," she lied, attempting a small smile. Lindsey accepted this with a smile of her own, still oblivious to Tegan's inner dilemma as she lay beside her. Tegan draped an arm across her girlfriend's waist and closed her eyes, regretting the fact that her and Sara hadn't been able to sneak off for a few moments of private intimacy after the show, when Tegan could have told her twin how beautiful she had looked on stage, and how much she loved her. Tegan missed the feel of Sara's arms and the taste of her mouth, and her final thought as she drifted off to sleep was how much she wished that the body in her arms belonged to Sara.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the delay, but finally here is the next chapter. This fic is being changed to M to be safe for now, as it will more than likely contain m rated material in the future. As usual, feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you think :3 **

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Sara had never liked Lindsey. To her, the band's photographer and apparent object of Tegan's affections had been little more than a cause of the heart-wrenching pain that had prompted her twin to write the emotional tracks that made up The Con. Working on their fifth album had been difficult for Sara; she hated the thought of her sister being sad enough to write those songs, but as immature as it was, Sara was insanely jealous of LB. For years she had watched Tegan fall victim to the misery that she indeed seemed to find addictive, wanting nothing more than to be able to erase it with her touch, her kiss, her love, and here Lindsey had the opportunity to do just that, but was not taking advantage of it, instead leaving Tegan to hurt.

Now though, Sara's dislike of Lindsey was for an entirely different reason. In the two weeks since she had joined them on tour, Tegan had been forced to act as though nothing was different, and seeing her sister being affectionate with LB was equal to being stabbed with a knife. Sara was possessive, she did not share, and unusual quality in a twin, and having to endure the close quarters with Tegan and her girlfriend was killing her, especially since the presence of another person meant that her contact with Tegan was limited to less than either would have liked. Sara had spent many nights of the last two weeks lying awake in her bunk, longing for her twin's arms around her, listening to the sound of her steady breathing in the bunk across for Sara's own.

The two had managed brief moments of alone time of course, sometimes backstage before and after shows, sometimes in deserted corridors , sometimes late at night while LB was sound asleep, but it wasn't enough to satisfy them, and it also wasn't enough to have allowed them to be fully intimate yet. The kisses they'd shared had been intense and passionate, and both were now committed to giving their relationship a try, but until they actually took things as far as to sleep together there was a sense that they hadn't fully fallen to the bottom of the well of emotion that they were destined to drown in. And Sara wanted nothing more than to drown, to take in every inch of Tegan, touch her, taste her, kiss away her years of hurt and anger. She longed to hold her sister again, allow the outline of her curves to be immortalised in her memory without any fabric acting as a barrier. Sara wanted to see Tegan's shields come down, and maybe let her own down too, but all of that was simply not possible with LB hovering constantly in the background.

Before a show one night, only a couple of days prior to their mid-tour break, Sara was walking alone backstage, down the empty corridor to their dressing room, when a door opened to her right and she found herself enclosed in a pair of strong, familiar arms that tugged her into the small, darkened room that appeared to be little more than a broom closet.

"Tegan," she laughed, turning in her twin's arms to entwine her fingers around Tegan's neck. "What are you doing?"

Tegan grinned, leaning in and pressing her lips to Sara's. "I missed you," she answered upon pulling away.

"Really? You only saw me at lunch," Sara teased.

"Yeah, but not like this," Tegan's mouth moved to her ear, lightly kissing the cartilage. "Have you booked your flight back to Montreal yet?" She questioned in between leaving scattered kisses from Sara's ear to her jaw to her neck.

"N-not yet, I was going to do it in the morning," Sara answered, trying to keep her breathing even, but from the soft vibration of Tegan's small chuckle against her neck, she knew her slip up had been noticed. Tegan pulled back to look at her, and Sara could see the mischievous twinkle in her sister's eye.

"Good, because you're not going to Montreal," Tegan informed her.

"Oh? And why is that then?" Sara grinned, she had a feeling that Tegan was about to share some good news, and her suspicions were proven correct when her twin flashed her usual gummy grin.

"LB got a call this morning, she's got some job in Europe, leaving same day we were supposed to go back to Vancouver, so I was thinking, you should come with me, and we can finally have some time on our own."

Sara smiled, loving the thought of being alone with Tegan at last. "Well, looks like I'm coming to Vancouver then," she said, watching Tegan's eyes light up with childish excitement for a brief moment before she found herself swept into a tight hug.

"I can't wait," Tegan whispered into her ear, making her smile. Her twin was just so adorably sweet sometimes.

"I've missed you these last few days," Sara confessed once Tegan had loosened her hold.

"I've missed you too, so much," Tegan told her, stroking Sara's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "And I wish I could just end things with LB, but she'd want to know why, and everything would end up a mess, and -"

"Sshh, it's okay," Sara cut her off, seeing Tegan starting to get worked up. "I understand. Neither of us likes it, hell, I can barely stand the thought of you being with her, but that's the way it is."

Tegan smiled sadly. "In a few days, it won't be. We'll be together."

"That's right," Sara smiled again, leaning in to capture Tegan's lips with her own and kissed her softly. "Now come on," she said, pulling away and taking Tegan's hand to lead her out of the little room. "We've got a show to do."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This one took a little longer than I ideally would have liked, and it's not my best work by a long way, but things aren't going to stay this fluffy for long xD As always, feel free to review, let me know what you like and what you don't**

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"I'll miss you babe," LB whispered in her ear. Tegan hesitated before replying, pausing just enough to swallow the lump in her throat, praying that this action would also dissolve the heavy feeling of guilt sitting like a lead weight in the pit of her stomach. It didn't work.

"I'll miss you too," she murmured, trying not to let her eyes drift to her twin who was standing a short distance away as she spoke the half-truth. In reality, Tegan was greatly looking forward to the next two weeks; time that could be spent alone with Sara. Things had been difficult since Lindsey had joined them on tour, and the two hadn't had as much time to themselves as they would have liked. Keeping up the appearance of being happy in their relationship had taken a toll on Tegan, though the fact that they spent most of their time on the tour bus meant that she had a good excuse to avoid intimacy between her and Lindsey for the most part.

It was strange; Tegan knew that technically she was cheating on LB with Sara, but as she returned Lindsey's kiss goodbye, it felt as though it was her sister she was being unfaithful to. Her feelings for her twin had been there long before LB was in the picture, and now that she had given them the opportunity to present themselves, Sara took pride of place in her heart.

Tegan watched as Lindsey turned back to wave as she made her way through to her departure gate, an action that Tegan half-heartedly returned, attempting to look as though she would miss her girlfriend as much as she would be missed by her. Once LB was out of sight, Sara came to stand at her side, their hands barely touching, Sara's fingers brushing lightly across Tegan's knuckles.

"Ready to go?" Sara asked softly, a renewed light in her eyes at the fact that Tegan was once again hers.

Tegan flashed her a gummy grin. "Definitely."

The plane ride was largely uneventful; they chatted about trivial things like their favourite tour moments, and changes to be made to the setlist, before Sara's speech became interrupted with yawns too frequently, and she drifted off to sleep with her head on Tegan's shoulder. Tegan took a few moments to enjoy the simple, innocent contact, pleased that their previous "no touching" rule seemed to have been left in the past.

Tegan had never objected to that rule. Once, on stage during a show, Sara had jokingly demanded a hug from Tegan as an apology for whatever joking insult she had thrown at her. Reluctantly, Tegan had obliged, and found that once she had Sara in her arms, she never wanted to let her go, and had prolonged the contact for as long as she could pass off as a joking attempt to irritate her twin.

Now though, she had the freedom to touch Sara, hold her in her arms as much as she wanted. Of course, they would have to take the upmost care when in public not to reveal anything, but she was looking forward to being alone together just so they could do simple things like cuddle and hold hands. Sex was a great thing, but Tegan had always enjoyed the small gestures of intimacy that came with being in a relationship. She was also enjoying studying Sara's face as she slept, taking in every detail of features that were so similar to her own, yet so different; her beautiful eyes, now closed, her cute button nose, her slightly parted lips, and of course, her stunning jawline. She knew that one popular topic of discussion among their fans was Sara's jawline, and Tegan definitely understood the obsession.

Too soon for Tegan's liking, the plane began it's descent, and her time admiring her twin was cut short. Once out of the airport, it was only a short journey to Tegan's Vancouver apartment. The neighbourhood it was situated in wasn't the greatest, and she could tell Sara was nervous about being out in the dark from the way she clung to the sleeve of Tegan's jacket.

Once inside, Tegan locked the door behind them before turning to Sara and pulling her into a tight embrace. Both twins sighed in contentment; happy to be finally able to let their guard down. Turning her head to bury it in the crook of Sara's neck, Tegan pressed a kiss to the soft skin there.

"I missed you," she whispered, half expecting Sara to laugh and point out that really, they had seen each other every day.

"I missed you too," Sara said, equally quietly. "I hated the thought of you being with her," she confessed.

Tegan pulled back slightly, just enough to look her sister in the eye, seeing the emotion there. Sara didn't mean to be jealous, she couldn't help it, and Tegan understood.

"When I was with her," Tegan began, cupping Sara's face in her palms, "all I could think of was how much I missed you. I know it's not an ideal situation, and I need some time to work out how to end things, but I promise Sara, I will end things with LB. I love you."

Sara didn't answer, instead reaching a hand to the back of Tegan's neck to draw her in closer for a gentle, loving kiss. "I love you too," Sara whispered upon drawing back. Tegan smiled, reaching out to grasp Sara's hand in her own and lead her to the bedroom.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I am so sorry that this took so long, I will do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. This chapter is my first ever attempt at smut, so my apologies if it sucks**

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Hands ghosted over skin, leaving fire in their wake. Jackets, shoes and socks were removed, every touch desperate, urgent, yet impossibly gentle. Tegan's lips soothed the burning skin of Sara's neck with feather light kisses as her fingertips drew patterns across her collarbone. Sara's breath was ragged in her ear as she trailed her fingers down to the hem of her sister's t-shirt. Just as she was about to push the material up to remove the shirt, Tegan felt a hand grip her wrist. Looking up from Sara's neck, she was met with her twin's hazel eyes, the worry in them evident, but not quite masking the obvious desire.

"Tegan, wait," Sara breathed. "Are you sure?"

Tegan smiled softly. Sara had always beens the cautious one, though she did understand why the question was necessary. This was it, they'd reached the point of no return, and after tonight, there would be no going back to what they used to be.

They were close enough that Tegan could feel Sara's breath against her as she spoke softly, but firmly. "I'm sure. I want this. I want you."

Sara's sigh of relief was small, but didn't go unnoticed by her older twin. Tegan was certain that despite her apologies, the memory of her reaction to Sara's first kiss would always remain in the back of her sister's mind, and she was determined to try and erase it. She leaned in closer, closing the small gap between them and kissing Sara softly. Pushing the fabric of her twin's shirt up to expose her flat stomach, Tegan deepened the kiss, running her tongue along Sara's bottom lip to ask for entry that was quickly granted. Breaking the kiss to pull Sara's shirt over her head, Tegan moved her lips to her twin's neck, sucking and biting to mark the skin their as hers, feeling Sara start to grow slightly bolder as her fingers began opening the buttons of Tegan's shirt. Dipping her head lower, Tegan pressed a gentle kiss to Sara's chest, above her heart.

"Mine," she whispered. She half expected Sara to laugh at her for being clichéd, but as her sister's hands pushed the fabric of her shirt from her shoulders and reached to undo the clasp of her bra, she saw nothing but agreement in her eyes.

Once Tegan had undone Sara's own bra, their heated kiss resumed, and it wasn't long before the rest if their clothes were shed, both spurred on by the feeling of their bare skin coming into contact. Tegan's fingers trailed slowly along the inside of Sara's thigh as she pulled away from the kiss to take in the sight of her sister lying beneath her, completely hers at last. Her eyes raked over every inch of Sara's soft, pale skin, decorated with the ink of her many tattoos, from her stunning jawline, her perfect breasts, the slight concave of her stomach, down to the place between her thighs that Tegan's hand was steadily travelling towards, drinking in her beauty. Sara was the most beautiful woman she had ever been with, that she was certain of.

"Tegan," Sara breathed, her pleading tone breaking Tegan out of her trance. "Please."

Those pleading eyes closed and Sara's back arched off the bed when Tegan's fingertips finally were met with a warmth and wetness that made her head spin.

"You're so wet, Sara," she whispered into her twin's ear in awe. Sara opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was a moan triggered by Tegan's slow stroking of her soaked folds. The sound ignited butterflies in the pit of Tegan's stomach, sending a shiver down her spine to her own aching core. She wanted Sara so badly, but she was determined to take things slow. Their first time was going to be special.

Sara was shaking beneath her, and Tegan knew that despite the unhurried pace she was setting, she wouldn't last long. Sucking and biting at her twin's neck, she circled her clit with two fingers, enjoying the low hums of pleasure coming from Sara's throat. One of Sara's arms was clutching Tegan's shoulders, the other had a firm grip on the tangled sheets beneath her, knuckles white as they grasped the material. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her hips were bucking gently against Tegan's hand with every stroke.

Sara opened her eyes, and the look of pure desire in them took Tegan's breath away. "Tegan, inside, please," she begged, unable to cope with Tegan's slow pace any longer. "I need you inside."

Tegan moved her hand lower, replacing the fingers on Sara's clit with her thumb. Sara let out a loud moan as she pushed a single digit into her tight entrance, quickly adding another, and Tegan began pumping her fingers in and out of her sister, curling them to reach Sara's sweet spot with every thrust. When she felt her twin starting to come undone, Tegan quickened her pace, moving her thumb in fast circles and using her free hand to cup one of Sara's breasts, kneading the soft flesh gently.

"Oh god Tegan," Sara gasped.

Looking straight into her twin's identical eyes, Tegan whispered "Come for me Sara."

With one final deep thrust of her fingers, Sara came undone beneath her with a guttural moan, her back arching of the bed, and her fluids gushing into Tegan's palm. Tegan watched her in wonder, committing the sight of Sara's head thrown back in ecstasy to memory as she rode out her high. Sara's body relaxed against the mattress, her eyes opening while Tegan slowly retracted her hand.

"Tegan," she whispered, drawing Tegan's head down to kiss her gently. The gentleness didn't last long, and soon fell to the now familiar fiery battle of lips that caused Tegan's breath to hitch, and she gasped into Sara's mouth. She felt Sara's fingers graze the soft skin of her lower stomach, before dipping even lower to where she needed them most.

Tegan had been close before feeling Sara's fingers ghosting over her aching core, but when her twin rolled them over to hold herself up over Tegan's shuddering body, it was all she could do not to come on the spot. The touch of her sister's hand ignited fire in every nerve of her body. Every single sense was overwhelmed by Sara; her scent, the sight of her beautiful body hovering above her, the taste of her tongue, the soft whispers in Tegan's ear coaxing her to let go of all control, and those two digits between her thighs that were slowly driving her insane.

Tegan was long past the point of being self conscious about the noises Sara was eliciting from her when she felt two long fingers being slowly pushed inside of her. She reached her hands behind Sara's neck to tug her down into a kiss, moaning into her mouth when she hit her sweet spot. Sara pulled away to bite at the skin below Tegan's jaw, no longer swallowing her twin's moans.

"Sara," Tegan gasped. "I'm so close."

Sara quickened her pace, rubbing her palm against Tegan's clit. "Then come, Tegan," she whispered, lips brushing against Tegan's neck. "Let go."

Tegan buried her face in Sara's shoulder to muffle her loud moans as the tension within her finally broke and pleasure flooded through her. She gripped Sara's back tightly as she came down from her high, breath coming in harsh pants. Sara withdrew her fingers and shifted so that they were lying on their sides, face to face.

"Wow," Tegan exclaimed softly, still somewhat out of breath, unable to form a more cohesive sentence.

"Wow indeed," Sara replied equally quietly, moving to snuggle into Tegan's warmth as she pulled a blanket over them, eyes closed. Tegan grinned, leaning in to place a gentle kiss against Sara's lips before closing her own eyes, arms wrapping tightly around her twin.

"Love you Sasa," she whispered sleepily.

"Love you too Tee."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Please don't hate me**

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The next morning was not the first time Sara had woken up in Tegan's arms, but it felt like it. This time, the previous barriers of enough clothing for them to still be considered decent weren't present; there was nothing to separate their bare skin. It seemed fitting to Sara that the only person she relaxed her strict no cuddling rule for was Tegan, her biological other half. Ever since Sara had been old enough to understand that her feelings for her twin were something more than sisterly, all she had longed for was to be able to wake in Tegan's arms, legs intertwined, and for that reason she had never desired to cuddle with someone else.

Waking up was also less abrupt this time, and allowed Sara to enjoy Tegan's embrace. Her twin had always been clingy, and it appeared that her desire for contact was still present in her unconscious state. Another trait of Tegan's that she didn't loose even when her mind had long since departed for the land of dreams was the smile playing about her lips. She looked so happy, so content that it made Sara's heart swell with love, knowing that she was the sole reason for that adorable smile.

As much as Sara wished she could lie there and admire her sister's sleeping face forever, she found herself needing the bathroom, and reluctantly untangled herself from Tegan's grip carefully, replacing her body with a pillow. Tegan gave a small sigh and snuggled deeper into the bed, still sleeping soundly. Sara smiled at her and made her way to the bathroom, deciding against any clothes for the moment, happy to walk around bare.

A glance in the bathroom mirror revealed the smooth, pale skin of Sara's neck and chest to be painted with the marks of Tegan's love. As her fingertips brushed lightly against the purpled flesh, she remembered the feeling of Tegan's lips against her. Last night had been an experience unlike any other for Sara, and these love bites served as a reminder that it had been real, that she hadn't just dreamt it all up, something she had done many times before.

On her return to the bedroom, Sara noted that the clock on the wall that was declaring it to be early, just after seven o clock. Strangely, despite her late night, Sara wasn't tired, opting to cross the room to the large window that was letting in the early morning sunlight, rather than return to bed. Opening the window slightly, she took in the sights and sounds of a waking Vancouver; the few cars bustling up and down the streets, the birds chirping, the smell of coffee wafting from the small cafe down the block. It all seemed simple, peaceful. It made her miss living here.

Sara had never disliked life in Vancouver, but it had been too painful. Living so close to Tegan, knowing every detail of her life, every girl she brought home, it nearly tore her apart. And so she had run away, as far as she could go, to Montreal, the other side of the country. The sudden separation had also hurt, but Sara had pushed on, thinking, hoping that it would be better for her in the long run to get away from the twin she loved just that little bit too much.

It had hurt Tegan too; many nights were spent on the phone with her twin begging her on the end of the line to please, please come home. Tears were shed by both, and while Sara felt so terribly guilty for her sister's sadness, she had remained resolute. She wrote Tegan a letter, telling her it wasn't her fault, that Sara needed to do this, trying to explain without explaining, and eventually the calls became fewer, and the begging stopped. Tegan had given up.

Caught up in thoughts of less happy times, Sara didn't notice the sleeping figure behind her wake up until Tegan was behind her, arms sliding around Sara's waist, resting her head on her shoulder.

"Morning beautiful," Tegan whispered, as though reluctant to shatter the peaceful silence.

Sara smiled wide at the comment. "Good morning," she replied, equally quietly. "Sleep well?"

"Mhm," Tegan mumbled in agreement, kissing Sara's cheek, attempting to suppress a yawn.

"Still tired?" Sara teased.

Tegan smiled against her skin. "Maybe. Come back to bed with me?"

Sara nodded, letting Tegan walk them backwards until the backs of her knees hit the bed and she sat down, Sara in her lap. Sara shifted around so that she was straddling her. Running her hands through Tegan's hair, dishevelled and sticking up in different directions as a result of their previous exertions, Sara drew her into a long, slow kiss. As the kiss deepened, Tegan suddenly flipped them so that Sara was lying on her back on the bed under her. Sara let out a surprised noise, causing Tegan's face to break out in her usual gummy grin.

"Sorry," she whispered insincerely, leaning down to reconnect their lips.

All too soon, their moment of tranquility was shattered, when a shout of came from the doorway of Tegan's bedroom.

"What the fuck!"

The twins looked up, startled beyond belief, and Sara felt her entire world come crashing down around her when her eyes locked on the person standing before her.

It was Lindsey.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter took so long, I had some serious issues actually getting through it, but here it is, hopefully there wont be so much of a delay with the next one.**

**p.s. Please don't hate me**

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"Break it off with her!"

Tegan had never seen Lindsey so mad. Her usually calm and laid-back girlfriend was gone, replaced with a livid replica, anger displayed in every inch of her small frame. The two were standing in the middle of Tegan's living room, Tegan having untangled herself from Sara the instant they had been caught, never before feeling as guilty as the moment she was forced to tug her hand out of Sara's desperate grasp. Her twin had clung to her, hoping for just an ounce of reassurance that everything would be okay as their entire world came crashing down around them, but Tegan had left her sobbing in her bed to chase after her girlfriend.

"What?"

Of all the things Tegan had expected Lindsey to say, that wasn't one of them. She had been mentally preparing herself for a torrent of angry words, demands for an explanation that didn't force LB to accept what she had just witnessed, even a slap or two - god knows she deserved it after what they had done - but not this. She hadn't been prepared for this.

"You heard me," Lindsey repeated through gritted teeth. "Break it off with Sara."

"I- I don't understand," Tegan was mentally flailing, struggling to find the right words to covey her utter confusion at LB's demand.

"What's not to understand Tegan? I don't care what you've done with her, just end it!" Lindsey shouted, making Tegan wince.

"Lindsey, listen to me," Tegan began in a softer tone. She grasped at the first theory her scattered brain could come up with, supposing that the reason behind Lindsey not wanting an explanation was the fact that she wouldn't be able to handle the answer. Tegan knew that the revelation of her cheating on Lindsey, even just emotionally, would destroy her girlfriend. She assumed that the motivation behind her anger was fear, and so she tried to be as gentle as possible. "I can't do that."

LB was refusing to look at her now, staring intently at the wooden floorboards, her hands clenched into fists. "What do you mean 'can't do that'?" She asked, a dangerous edge to her tone.

"Lindsey, I'm so sorry," Tegan whispered. "I love her."

When Lindsey looked up, Tegan saw that she had misjudged the situation. LB wasn't scared. She was furious.

"Love her? You _love_ her? Oh well I guess that makes everything okay then does it? She's your fucking _sister_ Tegan! Your own twin sister! That's fucking sick!"

Every word was like a slap in the face to Tegan, and she was forced to close her eyes to stop the tears that were welling up behind her eyelids to spill over.

"Please Lindsey, please at least hear me out, try to understand," Tegan begged, eyes still squeezed shut.

"Understand? Tegan, I just walked in on you fucking your twin and you want me to understand? What is wrong with you?" Tegan couldn't speak for fear of breaking down in tears. Now was not the moment for her to cry, not yet.

"No, I'm not going to listen to you," LB continued. "You are going to go in there, and break off whatever this twisted thing is with Sara, do you hear me?"

Tegan lost her battle with her emotions, and a tear rolled down her cheek as she opened her eyes, silently pleading with Lindsey. She pictured Sara, lying there alone in her bed, face buried in her pillow, crying her eyes out. If she broke things off with Sara, it would destroy her. She couldn't do that, and the thought gave her a new courage.

"No," Tegan answered, looking Lindsey straight in the eye. "I can't do that. I won't do that to Sara. No."

Lindsey laughed, but there was no humour in the sound. "Oh, you will Tegan," she said. "You will. Because if you don't... I'll tell the whole world your sick little secret!"


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Once again, I'm very sorry this took so long. A big thank you to Gem (gemsofquincest) firstly for agreeing to yell at me so I'd actually write something, and then for beta reading for me.**

**Oh and to the reviewer who asked me to have a heart, I'm very, very sorry **

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Sara had only barely finished crying long enough to pull on some boxers and a shirt when Tegan returned to the bedroom. The fear that had engulfed her the second she had laid eyes on Lindsey, fear that had been building and building with every muffled yell that came from the other side of the closed door, wasn't banished by her sister's reappearance like she had hoped it would be. If anything, Tegan's determination not to meet her eye only added to the terror that was consuming her, causing a new wave of choking sobs to rise in Sara's throat.  
Swallowing them down, Sara watched as Tegan shuffled through the door, shutting it behind her. Her shoulders were slumped and Sara could see the tear tracks on her cheeks, despite her face being partially hidden by her bangs, a result of her resolute staring contest with the carpet.  
"Tegan," she whispered pleadingly, begging Tegan to talk to her, to reassure her, to hold her; even just to look at her, but Tegan wouldn't, staying silent until she reached the edge of the bed.  
"Sara," she said quietly, her voice cracking, a sign she was holding back more tears of her own. "I can't do this anymore."  
Sara stared dumbly at her twin. "W-what?" She asked in disbelief, hoping against hope that she had misheard.  
"I can't do it," Tegan reiterated, her voice adopting a robotic tone.  
"What do you mean 'can't do it'? What did Lindsey say?" Sara asked desperately, struggling to stop herself from crying in pure shock at Tegan's words.  
Tegan sighed. "Sara, it's over. We're over. It's wrong, it should never have happened," she said in a monotone lifeless voice. Even lacking any emotion, the words still pierced through Sara's heart like a knife.  
"Tegan", she whispered again as the first tear broke free and rolled down her cheek. "Tegan please, just talk to me," she begged.  
"I have nothing more to say," Tegan shot back, still in the same dead voice. "It's done Sara."  
"No," Sara answered. "No, please no, please Tegan tell me you're kidding, please?"  
"I'm not kidding." Tegan still wouldn't even look at her. "We're done, and I'm going to be with Lindsey, the way it's supposed to be."  
Sara felt winded, like she'd just been punched in the gut by her twin's words. "You said you'd leave her," she whispered. "You said you never really loved her. You said you wouldn't leave me."  
"Things change," Tegan said harshly. "Besides, I didn't start this, you did. You kissed me first."  
Sara's mind was running at an impossible speed. She couldn't understand this change in Tegan, so different from the woman she called her sister, the woman who had held her and kissed her and made love to her just hours ago. This person before her wasn't her Tegan, wasn't the woman she was in love with. Surely this had to be Lindsey's doing.  
"Tegan", she began, "listen to me. Whatever LB said, don't listen to it, please, I love you."  
Tegan shook her head, eyes still burning holes in the floor. "Sara, I'm leaving. You're going to have to accept that. We are done." With that, Tegan turned to leave, walking out the door without even a glance at Sara.  
Sara waited until she heard LB's voice, and then the front door opening and slamming shut before she buried her face in Tegan's pillow and let the tears take over once more.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I am really sorry this took so long, again, but hopefully it wont happen to be as long again. I've decided I'm going to finish this one on here, but after that all future fics will be moved to the new site once it has launched. As always reviews are love so if you like it, tell me, and if you hate it, tell me where I'm going wrong **

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Before, despite living on opposite sides of the country, Tegan and Sara were always in near-constant contact. Tegan's emotional clinginess necessitated regular calls, texts and emails if only for the purpose of knowing that no terrible tragedy had occurred in the few hours since the last message. Work also meant a steady stream of files sent back and forth, consultations about set lists or tour dates, financial reports, and other generic tasks that came with being a successful band. In short, Tegan wasn't used to not speaking to Sara.

Returning to their tour and seeing her sister alive, if not exactly well, was a relief for Tegan. When she had returned to her apartment on the morning they had been caught by Lindsey, she was met with Sara's absence, all her belongings packed up and gone. LB's anger had not let her be persuaded into allowing Tegan a phone call to Montreal, where she assumed her twin was hiding out; instead she was instructed to not contact Sara at all, and with the threat of their secret getting out hanging over her head, Tegan saw no other choice but to obey, and spent the following weeks agonising over the pain she had caused, to her sister and to herself.

When she arrived at the venue, Sara wouldn't make eye contact with her, and with a pang of guilt Tegan once again realised how painful it must have been for Sara when she couldn't bring herself to look at her while she broke her twin's heart, for the second time in a few months. She was a coward, and in her mind she deserved the punishment of being trapped in a relationship with a woman she didn't love. Tegan didn't deserve Sara, not after she had failed her so spectacularly.

Soundcheck that afternoon was tense; Lindsey chose to stay under the pretence of taking photos, when in fact she just refused to leave Tegan alone in a room with Sara. The boys were picking up on the strange tension between the twins; tension that they had assumed to have been resolved in the weeks before the break, and the usual flow of banter and jokes was non-existent. Tegan tried to remain outwardly cheerful, but when she messed up the lyrics to Northshore for the fourth time, she could feel herself on the brink of tears.

Surprisingly to Tegan, it wasn't her who broke under the depressing atmosphere first, but Sara. Having not uttered a word to anyone other than to ask for her guitar to be turned up, no one was expecting it when she suddenly set down her guitar and walked off the stage, shoulders stiff and fiddling anxiously with the sleeve of her shirt as she went.

"Uh, I guess we're taking a break then?" Ted asked, not seeming too surprised when no one responded.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Tegan muttered, eager to escape from the eagle eye of her supposed girlfriend for just a few moments.

On her way down the hall, she was stopped in her tracks by the sound of soft piano music coming from a small rehearsal room to her left. Curiosity getting the better of her, she checked to make sure she was alone, before pressing her ear to the door to listen.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: To make up for yesterday's less than great chapter, here's another one. Hopefully it doesn't suck, but if it does, let me know**

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Sara had to get out of there. Being in close proximity to Tegan again was something her time alone in Montreal had not prepared her for. Wounds that she had clumsily attempted to stitch up had been ripped open once again; the pain just as intense as the many times she had relived their last conversation in her dreams, so intense that this time, it was Sara who refused to allow their eyes to meet. The addition of Lindsey's presence was the salt that made the gaping holes in her heart sting worse than she ever thought imaginable. Sara had needed to get out of there before she died of the very real pain of a metaphorical heartbreak.

Ducking into the first door she came across, Sara found herself in a small rehearsal room containing a piano. Sitting down on the small bench, she allowed her fingers to ghost over the keys, the muscles remembering a now familiar melody; a melody she had penned while crying alone on the floor of her apartment. Taking a deep breath, Sara closed her eyes and began to play.

_"Stay, you'll leave me in the morning anyway_

_My heart, you cut it out you never liked me anyway_

_Why do you take me down this road if you don't wanna walk with me?_

_Why do you exit, go it alone, when you could just talk to me?"_

Sara prided herself on being a cryptic lyricist, she liked to wrap up her emotions in metaphors that left the listener questioning the real meaning behind her words. She figured it was necessary; after all, she could hardly spell out the fact that she was in love with her own twin and expect it to go unnoticed.

But this song, this was all Tegan. Every ounce of heartbreak she had ever felt was poured into the notes and words she sang.

_"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering where_

_Where you're leaving your makeup_

_Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering who_

_Who's life you're making worthwhile " _

Sara could feel the tears building, but she kept them at bay, instead channeling her desperate sadness into the next lines of the song.

_"Go, go, go if you want, I can't stop you_

_Go if you want, I can't stop you" _

She couldn't, she couldn't stop Tegan leaving. She had tried, pleading with her sister to just talk to her, explain where the sudden change in their relationship had come from, but Tegan wouldn't. Her twin had left her, and there was nothing Sara could do about it.

_"Stay, you come back to me always anyway"_

God how she wished that would be true.

_"Leave a mark, you said you never really loved her anyway" _

Tegan had promised, promised she had never loved LB, promised she wouldn't be with her, promised Sara was the one for her. But what did that matter now?

_"Why do I take this lonely road, nobody here to walk with me?_

_Don't wanna start fresh all over again, why won't you just comfort me_?"

Sara's voice broke on that line. The most crushing part of the entire situation was the prospect of never feeling the reassuring warmth of Tegan's embrace ever again. She wasn't sure if she could cope without her twin there to comfort her, even if it was just as a sister. From what she could see, Lindsey was making even that impossible.

Sara was crying freely as the song continued, and by the last chorus the tears were streaming down her cheeks, amazing her that she could still cry after all the sobbing she had done in Montreal. She threw herself into the music, putting all her emotions into the words. Somehow, Lindsey's arrival had changed Tegan, and Sara didn't think she could ever reverse that, not now.

_"Go, go, go if you want, I can't stop you_

_Go if you want, I can't stop you." _

Finishing the song, Sara leaned her head down on the keys and sobbed her eyes out, unaware of her eavesdropping twin mirroring her actions outside the door.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Uh yeah this kind of sucks but anyway. This fic is on the new Quincest site as well as all of my drabbles, if you don't have an account I'd recommend getting one because the site is awesome**

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Tegan's relationship with Lindsey over the next few weeks was nothing short of suffocating. LB insisted on accompanying her everywhere; trips around the cities they visited, soundchecks, out for drinks with the band, everywhere. Wherever Tegan went, Lindsey went too, never leaving any opportunity for her to be alone with Sara. On the outside, they appeared to be the perfectly happy, affectionate couple they always had been, but behind closed doors, Tegan felt like a prisoner.

Finally, almost three weeks after Tegan had accidentally overheard Sara's heart wrenching song, Lindsey received a call informing her that the cancelled shoot that should have taken place during the break from touring had been rescheduled, and she was booked on the next flight out of the city they were currently stopped in. For a short few hours it seemed to Tegan as if LB would decline the job in favour of staying to continue enforcing her no-contact rule, but she wasn't stupid; if she stayed it would look suspicious, and Lindsey knew it.

Lindsey's flight to France left at midnight, and, for the sake of appearing like the devoted girlfriend everyone assumed she was, Tegan found herself seated in a hard, plastic airport chair next to LB at close on eleven o clock, a million and one thoughts racing through her head. The pair didn't speak as Tegan stared intently at the floor tiles, trying to decide on a course of action for when Lindsey left. Should she continue on as she had been, having minimal contact with her twin? Should she throw caution to the wind and explain everything to Sara? Would Sara even be willing to listen if she did? Tegan was at a loss, and had LB been paying attention she was sure her shaking hands would have given away her over active brain.

Before Tegan could reach a decision, it was time for Lindsey to go. Standing up, she went through the motions of bidding LB farewell as though she had been pre programmed to do so, no longer feeling anything from the embrace. Pulling away from the goodbye kiss as quickly as she could without angering her girlfriend, Tegan was about to turn to leave when LB gripped her hand, pulling her in close to whisper in her ear.

"Remember what I told you."

Tegan swallowed hard before nodding, finding herself pulled into another kiss. As she watched Lindsey walk away through security, she thought about how wrong kissing her felt. It felt like she was cheating on Sara, even though technically her twin was the woman she had cheated with. If it weren't for Lindsey's threat about exposing them, Tegan would never have had a doubt about being with Sara. They were made for each other. But could she really risk their career, risk prison for their relationship?

Lost in her own thoughts, the cab ride back to the hotel passed in a blur, and before Tegan knew it her feet were talking her through the corridors of the fourth floor. But not to her room. Stopping outside Sara's door, she wasn't entirely sure when she'd made the decision to come here, but she couldn't bring herself to walk away now. Forgetting the late hour, she knocked loudly on the door, hearing her twin grumbling from inside.

"It's almost one in the morning what do you- Tegan?"

For the first time in over a month, Tegan found herself properly looking into Sara's beautiful hazel eyes. Her twin was staring at her with a mixture of shock, hurt, and a tiny glimmer of something else; hope. In that second, the reality of how much she loved her sister came crashing down on her like the waves depicted in Sara's tattoo.

"Sara..." Tegan whispered, hesitantly stepping inside the room. Suddenly the door was shut behind her and she found herself enveloped in her twin's warmth; arms wrapped around her as she rested her head in the crook of Sara's neck, where she finally allowed herself to break down and cry.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: This chapter is going to be the fourth from last, just to let you know. And as always you can find me on the new site under, you guessed it, DeadToBeginWith**

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"Sssh Tegan, sssh love it's okay, it's okay Tee, I've got you sssh."

Sara would be lying if she claimed to have not spent every night of the last month lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of what she would do if Tegan came back to her. Various scenarios ranging from Tegan rushing in and declaring it had all been a mistake and they would be together like she had promised, to Sara rejecting whatever apology her sister had come to her with in order to make Tegan feel the pain and loss she had felt herself had run through her mind. But, as she sat on the bed and held her sobbing twin, stroking her hair and whispering comforting words in her ear, Sara knew that she would never have been able to push Tegan away.

Despite the past weeks of aching, the state her sister was in proved to Sara that somehow, this situation hadn't been Tegan's choice. It confirmed her suspicion that Lindsey had somehow forced her into ending their relationship. Sara wasn't sure how, or what threat their photographer had come up with, but she could hazard a guess.

"Tegan," Sara murmured, lifting Tegan's chin to make her look at her. "Did LB make you do it?"

Sara nearly broke down in tears herself at the mixture of guilt, regret and sorrow in her twin's eyes, before she pulled away to nod and then bury her head in Sara's shirt once more.

"I'm so sorry."

The barely audible whisper broke Sara's resolve to keep from crying, and she couldn't stop the tears from falling as she clutched Tegan to her tighter.

"She said-" Tegan faltered, but swallowed and began again. "She said if I didn't, she would tell everyone. Our fans. The label. Mom." Tegan's voice cracked and she stopped.

Sara's head was spinning. She couldn't claim to be surprised by Tegan's revelation, but it made her realise something; Tegan had been trying to protect her. She had been willing to endure being unhappy indefinitely in order to save them from what would essentially be the end of their world, leaving Sara free. Tegan had done it because she loved her.

"Oh Tee," Sara whispered, tugging Tegan backward on the bed to rest against the headboard. Tegan clutched at her tighter, like a small child who had just woken up from a nightmare.

"I didn't mean it," she whispered. "LB made me do it, I didn't mean any of it."

"I know Tegan, I know," Sara reassured her.

Tegan pulled away, pushing herself up so that they were at eye level. "Can you forgive me?" She asked softly.

Sara cupped her face in both hands, brushing away the tears on Tegan's cheeks with her thumbs. "Of course I can." She didn't have a chance to think about her answer before the words came tumbling out. In that moment she was certain that she could forgive Tegan for anything. Leaning forward slightly, Sara went to capture Tegan's lips with her own, but her twin turned her head, avoiding the kiss.

"No, Sara we can't, we can't!" Tegan was getting worked up again, her voice becoming frantic. "She'll find out Sar, she'll find out and tell everyone!" Seeing the pure fear in her twin's eyes, Sara finally realised exactly why she had complied to Lindsey's demands. Tegan was terrified.

"Tegan, it's okay," Sara reassured her, even though her heart was aching. She traced circles on Tegan's back, a trick from when they were children that calmed her twin down. "It's okay."

"I've never wanted to kiss anyone more than I want to kiss you right now," Tegan admitted softly. "But I can't risk it. I won't let her destroy us. Destroy you."

"I know Tee, I understand." And she did. As much as it hurt to admit it, Sara knew her sister was right. It was a risk they just couldn't take. But even though she knew that they were doing the right thing, Sara had never hated anyone more than she hated Lindsey then.

"Can I... Can I stay here tonight?" Tegan asked hesitantly. They both knew that spending the night in the same room, most likely in the same bed would provide unnecessary temptation, but when Tegan looked at her with big puppy-dog eyes, Sara's willpower dissolved.

"Yes," she answered. "Yes you can."

The smile she received in return was one of the sweetest Sara had ever seen Tegan wear. "Sara?" She asked, snuggling back down and burying her head in the crook of Sara's neck.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Tee."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: This chapter will be the third last, and I must admit it was fun to write. Not so fun to read though sorry! **

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Lindsey's absence was a peaceful ten days for the twins. Despite Tegan being adamant that there could be no contact between them that was more that sisterly, they still spent most of their free time together. There was temptation of course, but being on the tour bus and being around their band near constantly played a role in keeping them from misbehaving. The boys were secretly thrilled to see them getting along again; all they knew was that there had been some kind of disagreement between them, but it was now resolved. Onstage they were once more their usual joking selves, and their banter flowed as easily as before. The nights they were on the bus they would stay up until the early hours of the morning, talking, cuddling, just enjoying each other's company, and the nights they stopped at hotels they spent together, falling asleep in each others arms.

Their peace was bound to be shattered, and unfortunately it was when Lindsey returned from her shoot that the bubble of happiness they had been living in was violently burst. It was late afternoon, and the twins were curled up together on the couch in the living area of the bus, a movie playing onscreen. They were leaving in a couple of hours to drive to the next city, and both were grateful for the chance to get some rest before their next show. Sara's head rested in Tegan's lap, and their fingers were intertwined. Neither reacted quick enough to the sound of the door opening, and as they tried to pull away and make it look like they had just been innocently watching the tv, Tegan heard the words she had been dreading.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Even without turning around, Tegan could tell Lindsey was furious. Standing up and turning slowly, Tegan took a step forward so that she was in between Lindsey and Sara, subtly guarding her twin from her girlfriend's fury. Knowing there was no way to avoid the coming argument, Tegan held up her hands defensively. "Lindsey," she began, trying to keep her voice calm. "We weren't doing anything."

LB spoke through gritted teeth. "Weren't doing anything? Oh of course you weren't! Of course I'm going to believe you!" Her sarcasm made Tegan wince, and she could hear Sara shifting nervously behind her.

"Lindsey, we weren't doing anything," Tegan repeated firmly, attempting to sound confident despite her now shaking hands.

"Cut the bullshit, Tegan," Lindsey snapped. "I fucking saw you!"

Tegan winced again. "Sara," she said softly, turning to look at her clearly terrified twin. She didn't want Sara to have to be involved with this; it was something her and Lindsey had to do alone. "Can you...?" She trailed off, gesturing to the door.

"Of course," Sara mumbled, shooting her twin a grateful look. She was clearly relieved to have been given an excuse to escape into the bunk area, closing the door behind her. LB let her go, seemingly more focused on glaring at Tegan.

Glad that her sister had escaped Lindsey's fury, even if it meant her being the sole focus of LB's attentions, Tegan turned back to her fuming girlfriend. "Lindsey please," she said softly. "I swore we wouldn't do anything, and we haven't, I swear!"

"And tell me, why should I believe you?" LB snarled. "You've lied before. How the fuck am I supposed to know if you're telling the truth? I saw you all cosied up in here. With your fucking _sister_, Tegan! You're cheating on me with your _sister_!"

Looking at her girlfriend's face contorted in anger, something inside Tegan snapped. "No," she said in a low voice, her hands shaking. "No I am not. I told you I wouldn't do anything, and I haven't. Yes, we were cuddling, but that is it. Nothing more. But oh do I fucking wish we were." Tegan could hear her voice steadily getting louder as she stepped closer to Lindsey. "Is that what you want to hear? Do you want to hear that, because of you, I go to bed every night desperately wishing I could be with her? Do you want to hear that, even though you've got some fucked up idea that if you keep us apart I'll be yours, I still dream about her? Do you want to hear about how much I love her? Not you, her. Sara. I am in love with Sara. And only her. Did you really want to hear that?"

And that was when Tegan saw it. A flicker of emotion she never expected to see in Lindsey's eyes. Hurt. Tegan's outburst had cut deep, and Tegan could see it. Lindsey loved her.

"I won't let you go back to her," LB whispered, looking away to stare at the ground. She almost covered up the fact that her voice was shaking with tears, but not quite.

Dropping her voice back down to speak gently, Tegan stepped closer again and, taking LB's face in her hands, she forced her to look up.

"Lindsey look at me," she ordered. "I know you love me, I know. And I'm sorry I don't love you the same way, I wish I did, believe me I do. But I love Sara. And if you really do love me, you'll understand that. So I'm begging you, give me one last night to be with her. A chance to say goodbye, and then I swear I'll do whatever you want. But please, just give me one last night."

A lone year broke free and dripped down Lindsey's cheek as she looked Tegan in the eye and whispered a response.

"Okay. But just one night Tegan, that's all."

Tegan nodded, stepping back and dropping her hands. "Thank you," she said softly, turning around to go and find Sara.

_One last night_, she thought. _I'm going to make this count_.


End file.
